interesting experience of control

I was just trying to get a piece of furniture through the door with my mom. I had to concentrate to not ram the thing fast through the door , I realized "it" was trying to force me. It was strange, like a feeling of fuzz in my head and I had to completely stop as I could not concentrate and look at the sides of the door. Something so small like that, forced me to stop. And there are so many other bigger things for instance, the way I feel and act when I go out the door and am around others. The flash of anger, and the raise of my middle finger that has been forced. Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio and feel sensitized to it, as if it's being played for me. I realize by now the feeling is forced but it doesn't make it feel less real. They really have the power to control someone's mind and actions, as I'm someone who is only able to pinpoint it because I'm aware of it,so I'm assuming someone who doesn't and is a target of this would have an incredibly difficult time not being controlled, even if they tried to stop bad behaviors. Here's the thing also, for me, if I am successful in stopping the feeling, my body is rigged to start whipping or jerking, once to the point my glasses flew off. Besides the strange head and body feelings, there is also a feeling of nonfocusing in my eyes, and a feeling of energy right underneath my eyebrows. It's upsetting to realize just how much this controls me. And then the feeling of hopelessness and anger that it forces me to certain actions, feelings, thoughts, then punishes me/damns me/ridicules me for them. I really wonder if the people who are aware of this know just how controlling this is. I think maybe not, because I've heard the exclamation "It's you!" which I assume to mean, it's your actions, not "ours". Which I know by now is not true much of the time, so... If it was some kind of test where I'm supposed to fight off the feelings of anger or the action, then it wouldn't punish me when I am successful in resisting it, punish by the jerking of my body back and forth. It is again, scary because it just underlines again the whole reality that this is being done on purpose and it's not to change me, as it's forcing many of the behaviors I've been blamed of. Which means it's unlikely this is ever going to stop for me.

I think I would be able to go out and be functional if I wasn't having the forced social anxiety. And it IS forced. Maybe not completely but almost. When sitting in the doctor's office for instance, I can count on the feeling being so extreme that I can actually tell it's artificial for certain, as it's like a pulse through my whole body. I'm unable to read. It will force my attention away from my book to things that aren't real, or to people who are just sitting there, it is a very obvious forced thing.