feel like an idiot

I don't hate people. This makes me feel like I am against everyone, or vice versa. Which is so paranoid-schizophrenia, which I don't have, but might as well. I hate not knowing what is real anymore, my feelings and thoughts are so manipulated. I've read them described as mind-viruses, mindbots. Another reason I don't have much hope that this is honest or this will ever end: racist mindviruses. They feel real. One experience I had was my eyes lowering from Seinfeld's eyes to lips while watching TV and thinking something about Jewish lips, and I realized that moment was artificial. It's a little scary and bad. This has also happened with sex: looking at women(feeling attraction that wasn't there), and some about children, and incest. I seem to have this weird effect: I am so sensitized to being mindread, that it reminds me of the experience of going to church when I was little. In the Bible there is a section about having evil thoughts while in the presence of God. And so during Mass my mind would sometimes think the worst thing it could, just because of that fear. I think sometimes this happens, or happened also, I don't know which was first. You feel the fear, then the thought is visualized for you, and then you feel guilt. It is just unbelievably f-ed up. I don't know which comes first, or what is happening. And I really don't believe that I am a racist person, so that is also upsetting. That seemed to have started in the beginning because I laughed at Dave Chapelle's jokes, and also because I may have had the thought during one of his poses, that he had "black" lips, or large African-American lips. These thoughts seem to have translated into me being a racist. I have weird hair thoughts that I've never had before, at least not that I know of. The "n" word is used in my head. The inner voice that's not really mine anymore. After the April 2006 badness when everything suddenly became much worse, for a few days that word was repeated endlessly in my head. I was able to ignore it at that point by "blanking" the energy. I have to say it pisses me off and makes me feel guilty at the same time, because at this point I don't know which thoughts are mine anymore. I know at least some of them aren't. But it still makes you feel bad. They really know what they're doing here. Being a racist is pretty heinous, it always was to me anyway. And then it's scary because you realize, if they're purposely trying to make me out racist, I guess I really am screwed, aren't I.