The main purpose of this blog is just to keep a document of some of the strange things I go through and see, and I'm going to make an extra effort to take photographs and video when I do go out. Right now that's a problem for me; I'm not leaving the house very much. I'm just going to be honest and say I've made two suicide attempts so far. Not cries for help but it's not easy to overdose. I hesitate writing that because I don't want someone to dismiss me as mentally unstable, but the truth is that's probably going to happen anyway, so I may as well be honest. I go back and forth on the suicide decision. My quality of life is so low that I often feel that I could be honest about being able to withstand my daily life.
I've also lost most of my hope that this would eventually stop if I was "good". I'm not sure what good would mean now to those who are a part of this. It's so complicated that if I go into it now, I'm going to have to commit to at least 2000 words for this post. I mean, I tweezed my
eyebrows the other day and felt like I looked much better. That was not okay. I'm not supposed to feel pretty. Do I feel like going into why that is bad? Not really. There's so much maybe a blog post isn't ideal, maybe I should just write a mini-memoir at this point.
I feel very isolated right now, so much so that I wonder if anyone else goes through this. The only person now that I feel certain was a real victim of this is Gloria Naylor. She no longer goes through this though. I've thought maybe they really don't need that many of us, experimentees or targets or whatever we are. It may work to their favor to have less. Or maybe just less high profile ones, as I believe I am. I think I could go on with my life, if I wasn't forced to think about this so much. It's like wearing a suit almost, I don't know how else to describe it. You think and feel things, and sometimes "wear" a mood that isn't real, like it's played back. It's a physical experience, I can pinpoint it sometimes by concentrating.
I ordered Remote Control by Steve Lynch and 1984 by George Orwell today. I did a
"bad" thing,using my mom's credit card to order this. I know I shouldn't but I rationalize it.
Sometimes I think about getting a job but for the most part I've given up on this idea. I wonder if things would be better now and if I'd have better hope if I had gotten a job almost right away after coming back from the Azores and being in that better mental state. Also the general group of people didn't seem so hateful towards me, as it seems they are to me now. I feel like I'm pretty much damned at this point. It's hard not to, I mean you are, with this being done to you.
A few quotes that caught my eye recently-
"Much less evil would be done on earth if evil could not be done in the name of good."
-Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell
And my favorite-
"You are a human being. You have rights inherent in that reality. You have dignity and worth that exists prior to law." -Lyn Beth Neylon
Life is so precious. I wish I had taken to heart all those admonitions and other quotes over the years that you never know what can happen, that any day your life might end or some other thing could take away your health, your loved ones. You really don't know what's waiting for you, or what life has planned out for you - if that's how it goes.
I remember getting warnings - warning dreams, feelings, so I can't help feeling there is some sense to it all. That's partly now why I so strongly believe that within all of us, there lies the truth, that inner voice. I ignored mine, which is what I believe made me vulnerable to this.
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