Irritable

Well not a great day so far. I feel this sort of hopeless depressed restless and irritable feeling. I feel some anger today at what's being done to me and my family and how people can be this clueless and this ugly. You don't need to know it all to know what this is. Angry at the theft of a large part of my life, the hatred and ferocity behind this, the reasoning used to justify doing this to another person...

it's upsetting to me sometimes to see how satisfied and happy they are with themselves and what they are doing- gleeful really . I know I should know better now than to be angry, that yes, there's cruelty, hatred and violence and that sometimes people can excuse almost anything to themselves and to others, and that it might even feel good to those involved, to see someone so skewered and feel like, yeah bitch we got you...

actually believing too that that person has done something personally to you and deserves your hatred, violence and ridicule.

I hate feeling like I've lost faith in the basic decency of people in general. How I feel is kind of summarized in a quote I read yesterday: " I love humanity, but I hate people. " Hate is too strong , but I feel so disillusioned, disappointed and maybe just grossed out. It would be nice if others could see through other's eyes every once in a while.

Wanted to remind myself, that my anger perhaps should be reserved for those who are really in charge of this, whoever's on top here. I don't know though, who deserves the more contempt and judgement? The ones who actually came up with and implement it, or the numbers of those who accept this, or even love this. "He loved Big Brother", geez. Funny how I loved 1984 and Lord of the Flies, and here I am living it. The universe has a funny sense of irony and humor, or something.

It makes me wonder about our future and fate, and how much if anything is predestined. I had those warnings and dreams so I could have changed it had I recognized or taken them seriously.

I need a life, really. If I was free to do that in a normal life, that would clear up so many of my other issues, for instance the depression, the pastobsessed daydreaming which is at least partly inititated by it. If I got a job I'm almost sure I'd be miserable. I seem to be better off locked up here.

This is pretty fucked up. I could say this all day and it wouldn't be enough. You just don't do this to people. The end. I know that, you should too, no matter what anyone else says. I don't need to explain myself or any of my weirdness, badness, bitchiness. None of any of that could make this OK.

I feel I need to work to get a life back together, and deal with the discomfort. I can't do anything about what others think or do, all I can try to do is live my own life. Hopefully this will come out in the open someday. I'd like to do something to help that but I don't know if I can, at least not now. I can't let myself become hateful even if something terrible is being done to me. There's too much of a chance in anger in this situation, even if justified, that it is induced, or taken over, or turned into something else.

I guess it may be classic, when abusing someone to turn them into the villain, it sure lets you off the hook. And justifies all kinds of nastiness without having to think about it. This is so violating, in so many ways.

I really hate feeling depressed and bleak. High school depressed is a completely different thing, it's a sort of melancholy but at the same time things can be beautiful. This is stripped and scary, it's terrible sometimes to think some would actually kick one out of humanity, and then expect you to just accept it, like that's what you are. I know I've already said this but it's so damn hateful.