Severe worsening

About two weeks or so ago, we went to Costco. It's funny because the last, or first time, that the effects became extreme was in April after going to Costco. And is when this whole thing technically started five years ago after leaving the hospital for pneumonia, kickstarted the whole no sleep for 3 years insanity, which was then followed by the official e-attacks that I'm going through now. April is not my month.

Anyway, after coming home, I went outside and then as I was coming back in I heard a loud scream from the neighbors. I told myself to ignore it and went back inside. I'm not sure how it progressed after this but I became steadily angrier and ended up going outside and quietly telling them something to the effect that they were evil, satanic. I believe that the anger was at least partly induced. Why, why, why I did not know better, I don't know. It tricks you into thinking it's really you and you do want to curse and say these things. I heard the girl after laughing hysterically. Well why shouldn't she, I did exactly what they wanted me to. Now they have their excuse, not they need one.

It started with my nose, I have right now a pinging sensation in my nose. Then an increase in the pain zaps, where they also force a body jerk sometimes. The first week they were jerking my head back and forth with the energy in my nose, when I felt that rise, the rise of forced emotion in my chest and then a completely involuntary "FUCK YOU!" come out of my mouth. This with an open door and my brother in the next room. This caused me to break down in tears and despair as especially I had recently decided that I wasn't going to go to the doctor or take medication just for my parent's sake. That pretty much destroyed that. I felt overwhelmed at that moment by the evil , the hatred and ugliness of it. I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to partially forget the things they'd already done to me, and ignored the feelings I had already had of the operators wanting to truly harm me, the hate and malice.

Another effect that started yesterday is a feeling of wetness in my bottom. It feels very disturbing and yesterday I remarked to myself several times that this was really sick.

I feel like they're obsessed with me. They're obsessed with me needing to be in pain. I heard from the nextdoor neighbors the other day as I was outside, You're not having fun now!
That's what they call it, me not being in pain, having fun. Like I'm having a party, because I'm such a spoiled , rotten brat. Having fun because I don't feel like I'm in so much pain I should probably be honest and end my life.

I have been beating myself up alot, because I feel like I should have known better. You really have to steel yourself, sometimes when you fight the fake feelings and thoughts your body is jerked or face contorted, so it beats you up when you fight off the feelings. then beats you up as punishment for the fake feelings/thoughts it placed in you.