Am trying to go on

but right now I feel like I just don't care. This is so heartless and brutal. I can't understand the kind of people who would do this. Brainwashing.
My last post beating myself up as if there was anything I've ever done, ever THOUGHT, that could possibly excuse this.
I think what they are doing is unbelievably, unspeakably evil. I feel and know this because it's happening to me, right now. But people will go along with this or even believe that this is right.

It's not. And I might end up killing myself but not because I'm defective or evil, but because I was tortured to the point where I couldn't go on anymore.

I just don't want to live like this. It's not worth it. Obviously nobody gives a damn because look at this, for the love of God. They actually went and made things much worse for me.

Why did God set people up to have this capacity for evil? Why did he give us the ability to turn away from suffering as if we weren't partly responsible...

Evil is a real thing, I know that now and that is the main thing that scares me away from suicide. Because if evil is so palpable now then it seems there should be goodness, and for all I know there is a real heaven and hell. But it's strangely even though I feel this presence of evil so hard now to believe in God suddenly. I don't know what it is, if the pain is too great to even think of a God that would see and allow this, like maybe I'm just too hurt and bewildered that He/She would let this happen.

It hurts to think of the life I used to have and the potential that there was, not just because I was younger but just because I was alive, the potential of life at any age and that seems to have been cut off for me. If I'm cut off from other people for the rest of my life what does that leave to live for? Just pain and anguish and being punished for ridiculous concocted bullshit. At this point it's really about not hurting my family. But I'm sorry, they don't deserve a dead daughter , but I can't do this. I don't know why no one cares. I don't understand how people can watch someone be forced to grapple with such a decision and not care, like my life doesn't matter.

Because that's the real message of this, is that my life doesn't matter and I'm defective enough to not matter or count as a human being.

April 14 Monday 2008

I felt today like I should just be honest and make my plans for a year from now. I really don't want to live like this and I realize how incredibly unlikely this is going to stop. I mean if they are actually targeting my parents who are basically harmless people who when picked apart, seem to have small faults like anyone else, then what hope is there for me 5 years from now?

The only reason is not to hurt my parents. I honestly don't know what will be worse for them. If I am going to do it anyway 5 or 10 years down the road it seems better to do it as soon as possible. Sometimes I forget how painful this is, how destructive. I don't think I've fully comprehended the ramifications of that possibly induced anger two weeks ago. I feel strongly it was done on purpose, but then it's not as if it was real then that would make it any more acceptable.

If there is any chance of things getting better they probably added a year on just from that. I guess they know what they want. They know how they want this to play out.

I felt awhile ago that they really did want me dead. That was as I've read from one person, an attempt to get someone to commit suicide, murder without evidence or responsibility.

I just don't know if I can continue to live this way. I've already made one attempt and that was greeted with absolutely no interest. I know what to do now to make sure it's 99% effective, although a bit dramatic but oh well. The pain in this tries to infect every part of your life, right down to your very thinking patterns and feelings. What a colossal f**k to know you are being "punished" for something you're not even sure came from you.

It really hurts sometimes to know actual people approve and want to do this to you. Right now there is a feeling in my asscrack of wetness, it feels very violating and is disturbing. For some reason this is okay to those who are aware of this, because I'm a "bitch", some kind of creature they compared me to.

I just can't believe they decided to make things so much worse for me. It's stupid and naive, and I beat myself up for forgetting. I still have the video of what they did to me. So why would I be surprised? They're thrilled with themselves for getting things back to the point where they can hurt me this badly again. The ferocity, the rage, the ugliness and hatred.

What is my life worth? What kind of life is this and why doesn't anyone care? Why does one person's life not matter? Do they really think I did this to myself?

I know for a fact there's always that energy in my head, and I'm so surprised sometimes at how it messes with my feelings and moods and thoughts. Which is why I should have known better than to not recognize the anger. They force me to constantly think about them. Even though I never leave the house and am punished for leaving the house. I'm constantly forced to think about it, what it's doing to me.
I want to kill myself. I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of something like artificial tears welling up in my eyes right now for some reason. I'm tired of no longer feeling completely like myself, like the decent person I know I am. I'm tired of being afraid of my own thoughts. I'm tired of being afraid of turning on the TV. I am not outside the world. I'm a part of it, although some of it may have marked me as a border, as a boundary, as an example.

I think I desparately crave compassion and kindness. I know who I really am now, who I was before S. got ahold of me and infected me with his rage, who I was before depression set in while I was in high school. And it's so hard to reconcile that that person should be so damned and viliified, when I know how ordinary and simple and really okay I am deep down.
I'm here, I'm still here so that means something.
But I don't want my life to be a fight. They insist on it though, with their slogans of "You won't win". As if I ever put up my hands to fight, as if talking to yourself like an insane person was an invocation to fight, deserves this attack on a human life.

I like myself so much better now, but is it of much use to me now? It's like learning to love yourself at your deathbed.

I wish I'd been kinder to myself. Really, if I'd been nicer to myself I would have a nicer life and would not be in this position. But then I didn't know I was being taken advantage of so how could I object at that time? If I knew then what I knew now, but I didn't.

Life is a great thing. Life is beautiful, and if my life is going to be used as an example in this horrible way, maybe some people will get the real message. Listen to and trust yourself. Be kind to yourself. Don't waste your life, especially not for other's dreams or ideals or commands. It doesn't make you a better person to give yourself up, to lose yourself to a person or a group. And if you do lose yourself hopefully you can pick yourself back up and come back.

That's what I learned from my 32 years but it doesn't seem like I have much leeway to use any of it. Deathbed, again. If anybody's reading this sorry so morbid but this is an ugly thing happening to me and sometimes it's too much. I remember other versions of myself, my 11 year old self reading teen magazines and sitting quietly in class with my glasses and in daydreams, or Mr. Elrod and his praise of my poems freshman year, or the crushes I had, or the few boys who looked at me interestedly. That was me then, the same me I am now. Just a girl. Kind of a geek and a little weird. And they turned me into something else for themselves. But I know I'm still just that girl, so it's hard.

Severe worsening

About two weeks or so ago, we went to Costco. It's funny because the last, or first time, that the effects became extreme was in April after going to Costco. And is when this whole thing technically started five years ago after leaving the hospital for pneumonia, kickstarted the whole no sleep for 3 years insanity, which was then followed by the official e-attacks that I'm going through now. April is not my month.

Anyway, after coming home, I went outside and then as I was coming back in I heard a loud scream from the neighbors. I told myself to ignore it and went back inside. I'm not sure how it progressed after this but I became steadily angrier and ended up going outside and quietly telling them something to the effect that they were evil, satanic. I believe that the anger was at least partly induced. Why, why, why I did not know better, I don't know. It tricks you into thinking it's really you and you do want to curse and say these things. I heard the girl after laughing hysterically. Well why shouldn't she, I did exactly what they wanted me to. Now they have their excuse, not they need one.

It started with my nose, I have right now a pinging sensation in my nose. Then an increase in the pain zaps, where they also force a body jerk sometimes. The first week they were jerking my head back and forth with the energy in my nose, when I felt that rise, the rise of forced emotion in my chest and then a completely involuntary "FUCK YOU!" come out of my mouth. This with an open door and my brother in the next room. This caused me to break down in tears and despair as especially I had recently decided that I wasn't going to go to the doctor or take medication just for my parent's sake. That pretty much destroyed that. I felt overwhelmed at that moment by the evil , the hatred and ugliness of it. I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to partially forget the things they'd already done to me, and ignored the feelings I had already had of the operators wanting to truly harm me, the hate and malice.

Another effect that started yesterday is a feeling of wetness in my bottom. It feels very disturbing and yesterday I remarked to myself several times that this was really sick.

I feel like they're obsessed with me. They're obsessed with me needing to be in pain. I heard from the nextdoor neighbors the other day as I was outside, You're not having fun now!
That's what they call it, me not being in pain, having fun. Like I'm having a party, because I'm such a spoiled , rotten brat. Having fun because I don't feel like I'm in so much pain I should probably be honest and end my life.

I have been beating myself up alot, because I feel like I should have known better. You really have to steel yourself, sometimes when you fight the fake feelings and thoughts your body is jerked or face contorted, so it beats you up when you fight off the feelings. then beats you up as punishment for the fake feelings/thoughts it placed in you.

Irritable

Well not a great day so far. I feel this sort of hopeless depressed restless and irritable feeling. I feel some anger today at what's being done to me and my family and how people can be this clueless and this ugly. You don't need to know it all to know what this is. Angry at the theft of a large part of my life, the hatred and ferocity behind this, the reasoning used to justify doing this to another person...

it's upsetting to me sometimes to see how satisfied and happy they are with themselves and what they are doing- gleeful really . I know I should know better now than to be angry, that yes, there's cruelty, hatred and violence and that sometimes people can excuse almost anything to themselves and to others, and that it might even feel good to those involved, to see someone so skewered and feel like, yeah bitch we got you...

actually believing too that that person has done something personally to you and deserves your hatred, violence and ridicule.

I hate feeling like I've lost faith in the basic decency of people in general. How I feel is kind of summarized in a quote I read yesterday: " I love humanity, but I hate people. " Hate is too strong , but I feel so disillusioned, disappointed and maybe just grossed out. It would be nice if others could see through other's eyes every once in a while.

Wanted to remind myself, that my anger perhaps should be reserved for those who are really in charge of this, whoever's on top here. I don't know though, who deserves the more contempt and judgement? The ones who actually came up with and implement it, or the numbers of those who accept this, or even love this. "He loved Big Brother", geez. Funny how I loved 1984 and Lord of the Flies, and here I am living it. The universe has a funny sense of irony and humor, or something.

It makes me wonder about our future and fate, and how much if anything is predestined. I had those warnings and dreams so I could have changed it had I recognized or taken them seriously.

I need a life, really. If I was free to do that in a normal life, that would clear up so many of my other issues, for instance the depression, the pastobsessed daydreaming which is at least partly inititated by it. If I got a job I'm almost sure I'd be miserable. I seem to be better off locked up here.

This is pretty fucked up. I could say this all day and it wouldn't be enough. You just don't do this to people. The end. I know that, you should too, no matter what anyone else says. I don't need to explain myself or any of my weirdness, badness, bitchiness. None of any of that could make this OK.

I feel I need to work to get a life back together, and deal with the discomfort. I can't do anything about what others think or do, all I can try to do is live my own life. Hopefully this will come out in the open someday. I'd like to do something to help that but I don't know if I can, at least not now. I can't let myself become hateful even if something terrible is being done to me. There's too much of a chance in anger in this situation, even if justified, that it is induced, or taken over, or turned into something else.

I guess it may be classic, when abusing someone to turn them into the villain, it sure lets you off the hook. And justifies all kinds of nastiness without having to think about it. This is so violating, in so many ways.

I really hate feeling depressed and bleak. High school depressed is a completely different thing, it's a sort of melancholy but at the same time things can be beautiful. This is stripped and scary, it's terrible sometimes to think some would actually kick one out of humanity, and then expect you to just accept it, like that's what you are. I know I've already said this but it's so damn hateful.

interesting experience of control

I was just trying to get a piece of furniture through the door with my mom. I had to concentrate to not ram the thing fast through the door , I realized "it" was trying to force me. It was strange, like a feeling of fuzz in my head and I had to completely stop as I could not concentrate and look at the sides of the door. Something so small like that, forced me to stop. And there are so many other bigger things for instance, the way I feel and act when I go out the door and am around others. The flash of anger, and the raise of my middle finger that has been forced. Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio and feel sensitized to it, as if it's being played for me. I realize by now the feeling is forced but it doesn't make it feel less real. They really have the power to control someone's mind and actions, as I'm someone who is only able to pinpoint it because I'm aware of it,so I'm assuming someone who doesn't and is a target of this would have an incredibly difficult time not being controlled, even if they tried to stop bad behaviors. Here's the thing also, for me, if I am successful in stopping the feeling, my body is rigged to start whipping or jerking, once to the point my glasses flew off. Besides the strange head and body feelings, there is also a feeling of nonfocusing in my eyes, and a feeling of energy right underneath my eyebrows. It's upsetting to realize just how much this controls me. And then the feeling of hopelessness and anger that it forces me to certain actions, feelings, thoughts, then punishes me/damns me/ridicules me for them. I really wonder if the people who are aware of this know just how controlling this is. I think maybe not, because I've heard the exclamation "It's you!" which I assume to mean, it's your actions, not "ours". Which I know by now is not true much of the time, so... If it was some kind of test where I'm supposed to fight off the feelings of anger or the action, then it wouldn't punish me when I am successful in resisting it, punish by the jerking of my body back and forth. It is again, scary because it just underlines again the whole reality that this is being done on purpose and it's not to change me, as it's forcing many of the behaviors I've been blamed of. Which means it's unlikely this is ever going to stop for me.

I think I would be able to go out and be functional if I wasn't having the forced social anxiety. And it IS forced. Maybe not completely but almost. When sitting in the doctor's office for instance, I can count on the feeling being so extreme that I can actually tell it's artificial for certain, as it's like a pulse through my whole body. I'm unable to read. It will force my attention away from my book to things that aren't real, or to people who are just sitting there, it is a very obvious forced thing.

feel like an idiot

I don't hate people. This makes me feel like I am against everyone, or vice versa. Which is so paranoid-schizophrenia, which I don't have, but might as well. I hate not knowing what is real anymore, my feelings and thoughts are so manipulated. I've read them described as mind-viruses, mindbots. Another reason I don't have much hope that this is honest or this will ever end: racist mindviruses. They feel real. One experience I had was my eyes lowering from Seinfeld's eyes to lips while watching TV and thinking something about Jewish lips, and I realized that moment was artificial. It's a little scary and bad. This has also happened with sex: looking at women(feeling attraction that wasn't there), and some about children, and incest. I seem to have this weird effect: I am so sensitized to being mindread, that it reminds me of the experience of going to church when I was little. In the Bible there is a section about having evil thoughts while in the presence of God. And so during Mass my mind would sometimes think the worst thing it could, just because of that fear. I think sometimes this happens, or happened also, I don't know which was first. You feel the fear, then the thought is visualized for you, and then you feel guilt. It is just unbelievably f-ed up. I don't know which comes first, or what is happening. And I really don't believe that I am a racist person, so that is also upsetting. That seemed to have started in the beginning because I laughed at Dave Chapelle's jokes, and also because I may have had the thought during one of his poses, that he had "black" lips, or large African-American lips. These thoughts seem to have translated into me being a racist. I have weird hair thoughts that I've never had before, at least not that I know of. The "n" word is used in my head. The inner voice that's not really mine anymore. After the April 2006 badness when everything suddenly became much worse, for a few days that word was repeated endlessly in my head. I was able to ignore it at that point by "blanking" the energy. I have to say it pisses me off and makes me feel guilty at the same time, because at this point I don't know which thoughts are mine anymore. I know at least some of them aren't. But it still makes you feel bad. They really know what they're doing here. Being a racist is pretty heinous, it always was to me anyway. And then it's scary because you realize, if they're purposely trying to make me out racist, I guess I really am screwed, aren't I.

Ha! Going back to College

I forgot to write in last post,today was the first day of going back to my original school and completing my degree. At least it was supposed to be. I couldn't even handle making a phone call there. The guy was speaking in breakneck speed. I don't know, maybe I should laugh, but wow, is this...pervasive. I mean it's become apparent that a large percentage of the population is within this group. And I don't get it. It's not nice? Good Lord. There are child molesters out there. I don't know why that always comes to mind, but if you want to talk about unsavory people, they are definitely out there, but apparently I'm an ideal example of something to ridicule and abuse. Of a bad person. I realize that I'm just feeding it at this point, but you know what I don't care....

The sad part about this whole thing is it does make you paranoid, whether you want to be or not, it forces you, literally. All those small experiences and they want you to freak out, it seems. I feel perhaps the freaking out part is vindicating, or somehow proves, that you deserve to go through this. Philosophy 101 just barely peeking out here. You must be something that deserves to go through this, because, you are going through this. I've read it explained much better. If you weren't , they would be wrong: and that's just not a possible part of the equation, therefore, you are it.

For anyone else who may read this and go through similar, if you have mental slowdown, something that seems to be helping is an EC stack: ephedrine + caffeine. Check out www.drumlib.com for very helpful info.

I hope you are doing better than I am, if anyone's reading this.