interesting experience of control

I was just trying to get a piece of furniture through the door with my mom. I had to concentrate to not ram the thing fast through the door , I realized "it" was trying to force me. It was strange, like a feeling of fuzz in my head and I had to completely stop as I could not concentrate and look at the sides of the door. Something so small like that, forced me to stop. And there are so many other bigger things for instance, the way I feel and act when I go out the door and am around others. The flash of anger, and the raise of my middle finger that has been forced. Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio and feel sensitized to it, as if it's being played for me. I realize by now the feeling is forced but it doesn't make it feel less real. They really have the power to control someone's mind and actions, as I'm someone who is only able to pinpoint it because I'm aware of it,so I'm assuming someone who doesn't and is a target of this would have an incredibly difficult time not being controlled, even if they tried to stop bad behaviors. Here's the thing also, for me, if I am successful in stopping the feeling, my body is rigged to start whipping or jerking, once to the point my glasses flew off. Besides the strange head and body feelings, there is also a feeling of nonfocusing in my eyes, and a feeling of energy right underneath my eyebrows. It's upsetting to realize just how much this controls me. And then the feeling of hopelessness and anger that it forces me to certain actions, feelings, thoughts, then punishes me/damns me/ridicules me for them. I really wonder if the people who are aware of this know just how controlling this is. I think maybe not, because I've heard the exclamation "It's you!" which I assume to mean, it's your actions, not "ours". Which I know by now is not true much of the time, so... If it was some kind of test where I'm supposed to fight off the feelings of anger or the action, then it wouldn't punish me when I am successful in resisting it, punish by the jerking of my body back and forth. It is again, scary because it just underlines again the whole reality that this is being done on purpose and it's not to change me, as it's forcing many of the behaviors I've been blamed of. Which means it's unlikely this is ever going to stop for me.

I think I would be able to go out and be functional if I wasn't having the forced social anxiety. And it IS forced. Maybe not completely but almost. When sitting in the doctor's office for instance, I can count on the feeling being so extreme that I can actually tell it's artificial for certain, as it's like a pulse through my whole body. I'm unable to read. It will force my attention away from my book to things that aren't real, or to people who are just sitting there, it is a very obvious forced thing.

feel like an idiot

I don't hate people. This makes me feel like I am against everyone, or vice versa. Which is so paranoid-schizophrenia, which I don't have, but might as well. I hate not knowing what is real anymore, my feelings and thoughts are so manipulated. I've read them described as mind-viruses, mindbots. Another reason I don't have much hope that this is honest or this will ever end: racist mindviruses. They feel real. One experience I had was my eyes lowering from Seinfeld's eyes to lips while watching TV and thinking something about Jewish lips, and I realized that moment was artificial. It's a little scary and bad. This has also happened with sex: looking at women(feeling attraction that wasn't there), and some about children, and incest. I seem to have this weird effect: I am so sensitized to being mindread, that it reminds me of the experience of going to church when I was little. In the Bible there is a section about having evil thoughts while in the presence of God. And so during Mass my mind would sometimes think the worst thing it could, just because of that fear. I think sometimes this happens, or happened also, I don't know which was first. You feel the fear, then the thought is visualized for you, and then you feel guilt. It is just unbelievably f-ed up. I don't know which comes first, or what is happening. And I really don't believe that I am a racist person, so that is also upsetting. That seemed to have started in the beginning because I laughed at Dave Chapelle's jokes, and also because I may have had the thought during one of his poses, that he had "black" lips, or large African-American lips. These thoughts seem to have translated into me being a racist. I have weird hair thoughts that I've never had before, at least not that I know of. The "n" word is used in my head. The inner voice that's not really mine anymore. After the April 2006 badness when everything suddenly became much worse, for a few days that word was repeated endlessly in my head. I was able to ignore it at that point by "blanking" the energy. I have to say it pisses me off and makes me feel guilty at the same time, because at this point I don't know which thoughts are mine anymore. I know at least some of them aren't. But it still makes you feel bad. They really know what they're doing here. Being a racist is pretty heinous, it always was to me anyway. And then it's scary because you realize, if they're purposely trying to make me out racist, I guess I really am screwed, aren't I.

Ha! Going back to College

I forgot to write in last post,today was the first day of going back to my original school and completing my degree. At least it was supposed to be. I couldn't even handle making a phone call there. The guy was speaking in breakneck speed. I don't know, maybe I should laugh, but wow, is this...pervasive. I mean it's become apparent that a large percentage of the population is within this group. And I don't get it. It's not nice? Good Lord. There are child molesters out there. I don't know why that always comes to mind, but if you want to talk about unsavory people, they are definitely out there, but apparently I'm an ideal example of something to ridicule and abuse. Of a bad person. I realize that I'm just feeding it at this point, but you know what I don't care....

The sad part about this whole thing is it does make you paranoid, whether you want to be or not, it forces you, literally. All those small experiences and they want you to freak out, it seems. I feel perhaps the freaking out part is vindicating, or somehow proves, that you deserve to go through this. Philosophy 101 just barely peeking out here. You must be something that deserves to go through this, because, you are going through this. I've read it explained much better. If you weren't , they would be wrong: and that's just not a possible part of the equation, therefore, you are it.

For anyone else who may read this and go through similar, if you have mental slowdown, something that seems to be helping is an EC stack: ephedrine + caffeine. Check out www.drumlib.com for very helpful info.

I hope you are doing better than I am, if anyone's reading this.

Forgot things were that bad

I just read my first post over 6 months ago. I had forgotten how bad things were. I guess it's possible I've blanked out some of my experiences, and/or my memory is very bad.I do wish I'd kept up this blog now, again, memory is not good, and then I went and threw out many of my written documents from over a year ago as well as losing everything on my computer a few months ago when it was virus-infected. I'm going to try to keep it up and be less emotional and just write down what I'm going through.

The main purpose of this blog is just to keep a document of some of the strange things I go through and see, and I'm going to make an extra effort to take photographs and video when I do go out. Right now that's a problem for me; I'm not leaving the house very much. I'm just going to be honest and say I've made two suicide attempts so far. Not cries for help but it's not easy to overdose. I hesitate writing that because I don't want someone to dismiss me as mentally unstable, but the truth is that's probably going to happen anyway, so I may as well be honest. I go back and forth on the suicide decision. My quality of life is so low that I often feel that I could be honest about being able to withstand my daily life.
I've also lost most of my hope that this would eventually stop if I was "good". I'm not sure what good would mean now to those who are a part of this. It's so complicated that if I go into it now, I'm going to have to commit to at least 2000 words for this post. I mean, I tweezed my
eyebrows the other day and felt like I looked much better. That was not okay. I'm not supposed to feel pretty. Do I feel like going into why that is bad? Not really. There's so much maybe a blog post isn't ideal, maybe I should just write a mini-memoir at this point.

I feel very isolated right now, so much so that I wonder if anyone else goes through this. The only person now that I feel certain was a real victim of this is Gloria Naylor. She no longer goes through this though. I've thought maybe they really don't need that many of us, experimentees or targets or whatever we are. It may work to their favor to have less. Or maybe just less high profile ones, as I believe I am. I think I could go on with my life, if I wasn't forced to think about this so much. It's like wearing a suit almost, I don't know how else to describe it. You think and feel things, and sometimes "wear" a mood that isn't real, like it's played back. It's a physical experience, I can pinpoint it sometimes by concentrating.

I ordered Remote Control by Steve Lynch and 1984 by George Orwell today. I did a
"bad" thing,using my mom's credit card to order this. I know I shouldn't but I rationalize it.
Sometimes I think about getting a job but for the most part I've given up on this idea. I wonder if things would be better now and if I'd have better hope if I had gotten a job almost right away after coming back from the Azores and being in that better mental state. Also the general group of people didn't seem so hateful towards me, as it seems they are to me now. I feel like I'm pretty much damned at this point. It's hard not to, I mean you are, with this being done to you.

A few quotes that caught my eye recently-

"Much less evil would be done on earth if evil could not be done in the name of good." -Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - George Orwell

And my favorite-

"You are a human being. You have rights inherent in that reality. You have dignity and worth that exists prior to law." -Lyn Beth Neylon

Life is so precious. I wish I had taken to heart all those admonitions and other quotes over the years that you never know what can happen, that any day your life might end or some other thing could take away your health, your loved ones. You really don't know what's waiting for you, or what life has planned out for you - if that's how it goes.

I remember getting warnings - warning dreams, feelings, so I can't help feeling there is some sense to it all. That's partly now why I so strongly believe that within all of us, there lies the truth, that inner voice. I ignored mine, which is what I believe made me vulnerable to this.