Am trying to go on

but right now I feel like I just don't care. This is so heartless and brutal. I can't understand the kind of people who would do this. Brainwashing.
My last post beating myself up as if there was anything I've ever done, ever THOUGHT, that could possibly excuse this.
I think what they are doing is unbelievably, unspeakably evil. I feel and know this because it's happening to me, right now. But people will go along with this or even believe that this is right.

It's not. And I might end up killing myself but not because I'm defective or evil, but because I was tortured to the point where I couldn't go on anymore.

I just don't want to live like this. It's not worth it. Obviously nobody gives a damn because look at this, for the love of God. They actually went and made things much worse for me.

Why did God set people up to have this capacity for evil? Why did he give us the ability to turn away from suffering as if we weren't partly responsible...

Evil is a real thing, I know that now and that is the main thing that scares me away from suicide. Because if evil is so palpable now then it seems there should be goodness, and for all I know there is a real heaven and hell. But it's strangely even though I feel this presence of evil so hard now to believe in God suddenly. I don't know what it is, if the pain is too great to even think of a God that would see and allow this, like maybe I'm just too hurt and bewildered that He/She would let this happen.

It hurts to think of the life I used to have and the potential that there was, not just because I was younger but just because I was alive, the potential of life at any age and that seems to have been cut off for me. If I'm cut off from other people for the rest of my life what does that leave to live for? Just pain and anguish and being punished for ridiculous concocted bullshit. At this point it's really about not hurting my family. But I'm sorry, they don't deserve a dead daughter , but I can't do this. I don't know why no one cares. I don't understand how people can watch someone be forced to grapple with such a decision and not care, like my life doesn't matter.

Because that's the real message of this, is that my life doesn't matter and I'm defective enough to not matter or count as a human being.