but right now I feel like I just don't care. This is so heartless and brutal. I can't understand the kind of people who would do this. Brainwashing.
My last post beating myself up as if there was anything I've ever done, ever THOUGHT, that could possibly excuse this.
I think what they are doing is unbelievably, unspeakably evil. I feel and know this because it's happening to me, right now. But people will go along with this or even believe that this is right.
It's not. And I might end up killing myself but not because I'm defective or evil, but because I was tortured to the point where I couldn't go on anymore.
I just don't want to live like this. It's not worth it. Obviously nobody gives a damn because look at this, for the love of God. They actually went and made things much worse for me.
Why did God set people up to have this capacity for evil? Why did he give us the ability to turn away from suffering as if we weren't partly responsible...
Evil is a real thing, I know that now and that is the main thing that scares me away from suicide. Because if evil is so palpable now then it seems there should be goodness, and for all I know there is a real heaven and hell. But it's strangely even though I feel this presence of evil so hard now to believe in God suddenly. I don't know what it is, if the pain is too great to even think of a God that would see and allow this, like maybe I'm just too hurt and bewildered that He/She would let this happen.
It hurts to think of the life I used to have and the potential that there was, not just because I was younger but just because I was alive, the potential of life at any age and that seems to have been cut off for me. If I'm cut off from other people for the rest of my life what does that leave to live for? Just pain and anguish and being punished for ridiculous concocted bullshit. At this point it's really about not hurting my family. But I'm sorry, they don't deserve a dead daughter , but I can't do this. I don't know why no one cares. I don't understand how people can watch someone be forced to grapple with such a decision and not care, like my life doesn't matter.
Because that's the real message of this, is that my life doesn't matter and I'm defective enough to not matter or count as a human being.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
April 14 Monday 2008
I felt today like I should just be honest and make my plans for a year from now. I really don't want to live like this and I realize how incredibly unlikely this is going to stop. I mean if they are actually targeting my parents who are basically harmless people who when picked apart, seem to have small faults like anyone else, then what hope is there for me 5 years from now?
The only reason is not to hurt my parents. I honestly don't know what will be worse for them. If I am going to do it anyway 5 or 10 years down the road it seems better to do it as soon as possible. Sometimes I forget how painful this is, how destructive. I don't think I've fully comprehended the ramifications of that possibly induced anger two weeks ago. I feel strongly it was done on purpose, but then it's not as if it was real then that would make it any more acceptable.
If there is any chance of things getting better they probably added a year on just from that. I guess they know what they want. They know how they want this to play out.
I felt awhile ago that they really did want me dead. That was as I've read from one person, an attempt to get someone to commit suicide, murder without evidence or responsibility.
I just don't know if I can continue to live this way. I've already made one attempt and that was greeted with absolutely no interest. I know what to do now to make sure it's 99% effective, although a bit dramatic but oh well. The pain in this tries to infect every part of your life, right down to your very thinking patterns and feelings. What a colossal f**k to know you are being "punished" for something you're not even sure came from you.
It really hurts sometimes to know actual people approve and want to do this to you. Right now there is a feeling in my asscrack of wetness, it feels very violating and is disturbing. For some reason this is okay to those who are aware of this, because I'm a "bitch", some kind of creature they compared me to.
I just can't believe they decided to make things so much worse for me. It's stupid and naive, and I beat myself up for forgetting. I still have the video of what they did to me. So why would I be surprised? They're thrilled with themselves for getting things back to the point where they can hurt me this badly again. The ferocity, the rage, the ugliness and hatred.
What is my life worth? What kind of life is this and why doesn't anyone care? Why does one person's life not matter? Do they really think I did this to myself?
I know for a fact there's always that energy in my head, and I'm so surprised sometimes at how it messes with my feelings and moods and thoughts. Which is why I should have known better than to not recognize the anger. They force me to constantly think about them. Even though I never leave the house and am punished for leaving the house. I'm constantly forced to think about it, what it's doing to me.
I want to kill myself. I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of something like artificial tears welling up in my eyes right now for some reason. I'm tired of no longer feeling completely like myself, like the decent person I know I am. I'm tired of being afraid of my own thoughts. I'm tired of being afraid of turning on the TV. I am not outside the world. I'm a part of it, although some of it may have marked me as a border, as a boundary, as an example.
I think I desparately crave compassion and kindness. I know who I really am now, who I was before S. got ahold of me and infected me with his rage, who I was before depression set in while I was in high school. And it's so hard to reconcile that that person should be so damned and viliified, when I know how ordinary and simple and really okay I am deep down.
I'm here, I'm still here so that means something.
But I don't want my life to be a fight. They insist on it though, with their slogans of "You won't win". As if I ever put up my hands to fight, as if talking to yourself like an insane person was an invocation to fight, deserves this attack on a human life.
I like myself so much better now, but is it of much use to me now? It's like learning to love yourself at your deathbed.
I wish I'd been kinder to myself. Really, if I'd been nicer to myself I would have a nicer life and would not be in this position. But then I didn't know I was being taken advantage of so how could I object at that time? If I knew then what I knew now, but I didn't.
Life is a great thing. Life is beautiful, and if my life is going to be used as an example in this horrible way, maybe some people will get the real message. Listen to and trust yourself. Be kind to yourself. Don't waste your life, especially not for other's dreams or ideals or commands. It doesn't make you a better person to give yourself up, to lose yourself to a person or a group. And if you do lose yourself hopefully you can pick yourself back up and come back.
That's what I learned from my 32 years but it doesn't seem like I have much leeway to use any of it. Deathbed, again. If anybody's reading this sorry so morbid but this is an ugly thing happening to me and sometimes it's too much. I remember other versions of myself, my 11 year old self reading teen magazines and sitting quietly in class with my glasses and in daydreams, or Mr. Elrod and his praise of my poems freshman year, or the crushes I had, or the few boys who looked at me interestedly. That was me then, the same me I am now. Just a girl. Kind of a geek and a little weird. And they turned me into something else for themselves. But I know I'm still just that girl, so it's hard.
The only reason is not to hurt my parents. I honestly don't know what will be worse for them. If I am going to do it anyway 5 or 10 years down the road it seems better to do it as soon as possible. Sometimes I forget how painful this is, how destructive. I don't think I've fully comprehended the ramifications of that possibly induced anger two weeks ago. I feel strongly it was done on purpose, but then it's not as if it was real then that would make it any more acceptable.
If there is any chance of things getting better they probably added a year on just from that. I guess they know what they want. They know how they want this to play out.
I felt awhile ago that they really did want me dead. That was as I've read from one person, an attempt to get someone to commit suicide, murder without evidence or responsibility.
I just don't know if I can continue to live this way. I've already made one attempt and that was greeted with absolutely no interest. I know what to do now to make sure it's 99% effective, although a bit dramatic but oh well. The pain in this tries to infect every part of your life, right down to your very thinking patterns and feelings. What a colossal f**k to know you are being "punished" for something you're not even sure came from you.
It really hurts sometimes to know actual people approve and want to do this to you. Right now there is a feeling in my asscrack of wetness, it feels very violating and is disturbing. For some reason this is okay to those who are aware of this, because I'm a "bitch", some kind of creature they compared me to.
I just can't believe they decided to make things so much worse for me. It's stupid and naive, and I beat myself up for forgetting. I still have the video of what they did to me. So why would I be surprised? They're thrilled with themselves for getting things back to the point where they can hurt me this badly again. The ferocity, the rage, the ugliness and hatred.
What is my life worth? What kind of life is this and why doesn't anyone care? Why does one person's life not matter? Do they really think I did this to myself?
I know for a fact there's always that energy in my head, and I'm so surprised sometimes at how it messes with my feelings and moods and thoughts. Which is why I should have known better than to not recognize the anger. They force me to constantly think about them. Even though I never leave the house and am punished for leaving the house. I'm constantly forced to think about it, what it's doing to me.
I want to kill myself. I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of something like artificial tears welling up in my eyes right now for some reason. I'm tired of no longer feeling completely like myself, like the decent person I know I am. I'm tired of being afraid of my own thoughts. I'm tired of being afraid of turning on the TV. I am not outside the world. I'm a part of it, although some of it may have marked me as a border, as a boundary, as an example.
I think I desparately crave compassion and kindness. I know who I really am now, who I was before S. got ahold of me and infected me with his rage, who I was before depression set in while I was in high school. And it's so hard to reconcile that that person should be so damned and viliified, when I know how ordinary and simple and really okay I am deep down.
I'm here, I'm still here so that means something.
But I don't want my life to be a fight. They insist on it though, with their slogans of "You won't win". As if I ever put up my hands to fight, as if talking to yourself like an insane person was an invocation to fight, deserves this attack on a human life.
I like myself so much better now, but is it of much use to me now? It's like learning to love yourself at your deathbed.
I wish I'd been kinder to myself. Really, if I'd been nicer to myself I would have a nicer life and would not be in this position. But then I didn't know I was being taken advantage of so how could I object at that time? If I knew then what I knew now, but I didn't.
Life is a great thing. Life is beautiful, and if my life is going to be used as an example in this horrible way, maybe some people will get the real message. Listen to and trust yourself. Be kind to yourself. Don't waste your life, especially not for other's dreams or ideals or commands. It doesn't make you a better person to give yourself up, to lose yourself to a person or a group. And if you do lose yourself hopefully you can pick yourself back up and come back.
That's what I learned from my 32 years but it doesn't seem like I have much leeway to use any of it. Deathbed, again. If anybody's reading this sorry so morbid but this is an ugly thing happening to me and sometimes it's too much. I remember other versions of myself, my 11 year old self reading teen magazines and sitting quietly in class with my glasses and in daydreams, or Mr. Elrod and his praise of my poems freshman year, or the crushes I had, or the few boys who looked at me interestedly. That was me then, the same me I am now. Just a girl. Kind of a geek and a little weird. And they turned me into something else for themselves. But I know I'm still just that girl, so it's hard.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Severe worsening
About two weeks or so ago, we went to Costco. It's funny because the last, or first time, that the effects became extreme was in April after going to Costco. And is when this whole thing technically started five years ago after leaving the hospital for pneumonia, kickstarted the whole no sleep for 3 years insanity, which was then followed by the official e-attacks that I'm going through now. April is not my month.
Anyway, after coming home, I went outside and then as I was coming back in I heard a loud scream from the neighbors. I told myself to ignore it and went back inside. I'm not sure how it progressed after this but I became steadily angrier and ended up going outside and quietly telling them something to the effect that they were evil, satanic. I believe that the anger was at least partly induced. Why, why, why I did not know better, I don't know. It tricks you into thinking it's really you and you do want to curse and say these things. I heard the girl after laughing hysterically. Well why shouldn't she, I did exactly what they wanted me to. Now they have their excuse, not they need one.
It started with my nose, I have right now a pinging sensation in my nose. Then an increase in the pain zaps, where they also force a body jerk sometimes. The first week they were jerking my head back and forth with the energy in my nose, when I felt that rise, the rise of forced emotion in my chest and then a completely involuntary "FUCK YOU!" come out of my mouth. This with an open door and my brother in the next room. This caused me to break down in tears and despair as especially I had recently decided that I wasn't going to go to the doctor or take medication just for my parent's sake. That pretty much destroyed that. I felt overwhelmed at that moment by the evil , the hatred and ugliness of it. I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to partially forget the things they'd already done to me, and ignored the feelings I had already had of the operators wanting to truly harm me, the hate and malice.
Another effect that started yesterday is a feeling of wetness in my bottom. It feels very disturbing and yesterday I remarked to myself several times that this was really sick.
I feel like they're obsessed with me. They're obsessed with me needing to be in pain. I heard from the nextdoor neighbors the other day as I was outside, You're not having fun now!
That's what they call it, me not being in pain, having fun. Like I'm having a party, because I'm such a spoiled , rotten brat. Having fun because I don't feel like I'm in so much pain I should probably be honest and end my life.
I have been beating myself up alot, because I feel like I should have known better. You really have to steel yourself, sometimes when you fight the fake feelings and thoughts your body is jerked or face contorted, so it beats you up when you fight off the feelings. then beats you up as punishment for the fake feelings/thoughts it placed in you.
Anyway, after coming home, I went outside and then as I was coming back in I heard a loud scream from the neighbors. I told myself to ignore it and went back inside. I'm not sure how it progressed after this but I became steadily angrier and ended up going outside and quietly telling them something to the effect that they were evil, satanic. I believe that the anger was at least partly induced. Why, why, why I did not know better, I don't know. It tricks you into thinking it's really you and you do want to curse and say these things. I heard the girl after laughing hysterically. Well why shouldn't she, I did exactly what they wanted me to. Now they have their excuse, not they need one.
It started with my nose, I have right now a pinging sensation in my nose. Then an increase in the pain zaps, where they also force a body jerk sometimes. The first week they were jerking my head back and forth with the energy in my nose, when I felt that rise, the rise of forced emotion in my chest and then a completely involuntary "FUCK YOU!" come out of my mouth. This with an open door and my brother in the next room. This caused me to break down in tears and despair as especially I had recently decided that I wasn't going to go to the doctor or take medication just for my parent's sake. That pretty much destroyed that. I felt overwhelmed at that moment by the evil , the hatred and ugliness of it. I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to partially forget the things they'd already done to me, and ignored the feelings I had already had of the operators wanting to truly harm me, the hate and malice.
Another effect that started yesterday is a feeling of wetness in my bottom. It feels very disturbing and yesterday I remarked to myself several times that this was really sick.
I feel like they're obsessed with me. They're obsessed with me needing to be in pain. I heard from the nextdoor neighbors the other day as I was outside, You're not having fun now!
That's what they call it, me not being in pain, having fun. Like I'm having a party, because I'm such a spoiled , rotten brat. Having fun because I don't feel like I'm in so much pain I should probably be honest and end my life.
I have been beating myself up alot, because I feel like I should have known better. You really have to steel yourself, sometimes when you fight the fake feelings and thoughts your body is jerked or face contorted, so it beats you up when you fight off the feelings. then beats you up as punishment for the fake feelings/thoughts it placed in you.
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